Pretentious Record Store Blog

Next Tuesday Feb. 5th is Super Tuesday, so the Parade of Freaks wanted to remind everyone to go out and vote in the primaries.

Who has won the Parade’s admiration and vote this season? Why, none other than Mr. Barack Obama. Why? Because he is an Agent of C.H.A.N.G.E. What is C.H.A.N.G.E.? Change is Citizens Helping America’s New Government Effort. Government is broken and only C.H.A.N.G.E. can fix it.

To enable C.H.A.N.G.E. we must Vote for Barack Obama for President!

This illustration was inspired by the great Jim Steranko, the leadership of Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., and is powered by H.O.P.E.

Enjoy.

Seriously. Pretentious Record Store Guy can’t stand him! Pretentiousness is one thing, but a pompous drummer? Please.

What did Phil Collins do? He stepped up and made a great band terrible and in the process made a fortune by swindling the idiotic and still coked up masses in the early and mid 80s. Then he goes solo and proceeds to put his balding, beat up mug on the cover of EVERY SINGLE ONE of his albums. Please. As if the music isn’t enough to cause you to ignite M-80s right next to your ears to purge the sound from your brain, no, Phil also wants you to vomit as well at the un ghastly site of his taunting mug. Jerk! Useless drummers need to stay behind their little kit and let the real musicians make their magic.

So Pretentious Record Store Guy came up with a little game called “Fuck Phil Collins!” It’s like asteroids except you have to stop the people from throwing rocks at Phil Collins fat face. Jerk. I let them all through with the hopes that maybe Phil Collins can feel the stone cut into his face while he is lying in his 1200 count sheets at night in his undeserving palace of a home

What did you do today?

I listened to The Magnetic Fields 69 Love Songs in its entirety (Stephin Merritt should win a Nobel Peace Prize or something) on vinyl while drinking a Starbucks Caramel Frappacino and then, because all my fans demanded it, I came up with 50 All New Cool Band Names. I would have had the whole afternoon to bask in my glory but I had to close the record store and deal with people like you all night long.

What? Not everyone is born rich; some of us have to work menial laborious jobs until the world finally recognizes our utter genius.

Luckily, I dont have a menial laborious job: I work at a record store. Kind of makes you wonder why you spent all your parents money to go to college only to get a job that you despise. (Thats why when I thought of going to college I dropped acid instead and thought about cool band names that I could eventually call my band whenever I got around to learning how to play the guitar my mom bought me for my 13^th birthday. BTW, I just finished learning all the chords last year, so watch out world!)

Back to the point at hand, here we go– Pretentious Record Store Guys 50 All New Cool Band Names I Came Up With Today.

The Wholigans, Ty Died, If You Reap What You Sow Then Death Has Surely Got It Coming, Fine Whine (an emo band), White Swallow, Death From Dying, United Parcel Service, The Downs, Hermaphrodite Love Child, The Boxers Bat, Suicide By Cop, The On Deck Circle Jerks, Dazed and Misued, Sue Me, The Imp Pencils, The Porno Graffiti, Lakeside Quartet, The Legal Department, Male Room, SmokeFireBurntSienna, Calamity Jane Doe, Ibuprofen, The Jesse James Gang Bang Band, Sex, The Flasks, Alaska Is So Much Nicer In the Summer, August Cowboys, Serenity Now, The House Fire, A Forrest, Dee Mentioned, 13th Level Elfin Wizard, The Love Cats, Demon Slayer, Rest Assured, Dr. Scholl You Call Yourself a Doctor But You Couldn’t Heel Me, You Are the One (Who is the Liar?), Mercy Boo Coup, The George Washington Junior High School Fencing Team Tryouts, Sonic Boom Boom, Out of Touch (Out of Time), The Deals, The Fashionistas, The Christopher Columbus Day Experiment, The Co-Pathetics, South By Southfist, Satan Has 8 Cocks And All of Them Are Evil, The Runners, Dying Machine, Tripping Acid In A Crowded Tent Isnt Really As Fun As It Sounds, Maybe I Should Have Gone to College…

And the number one band name is The Snake Gang–my all new side project that is a down and dirty, country roots, rock band. I just come up with it today and it still deserves a place at the top of the pantheon of today’s names because of its’ so tough it makes Marlon Brando come back to life only to wet himself and run back to his eternal resting place whimpering about how he could have been someone.