Pretentious Record Store Blog

The Parade of Freaks/Pretentious Record Store Guy is hitting the road, folks! June 27th-29th we setting up shop at Wizard World Chicago. We are extremely excited since this is our first official convention outing. We will also have the very first issue of Pretentious Record Store Guy miniseries for sale as well as the Wizard World Parade of Freaks Special Edition which has the much anticipated Agent of C.H.A.N.G.E. 5 page story as a bonus. It’s going to be amazing and we can’t wait to see you there. So if you’re in Chicago and are attending WizardWorld, come look me up. Enjoy.

In order to fully submerse yourself in the world of Pretentious Record Store Guy, it helps to know the lingo. To help out all those wannabe hucksters, hipsters and scenesters, we here at Pretentious Record Store Guy have decided to educate the coalition of the willing in the vernacular of PRSG. Enjoy.

Pretentious - characterized by assumption of dignity or importance
Pretentious Record Store Guy - most every record store employee, our protagonist
Hipster - a person characterized by a particularly strong sense of disdain and alienation from the mainstream and a real affinity for the cutting edge and/or independent; a person in the know.
Scenester - a person always involved with a particular scene, mainly to be seen
Fashionista - a person who always on the cutting edge of fashion and style and flaunts their knowhow
Phil Collins - drummer, singer/songwriter, 80s pop icon and mortal enemy of Pretentious Record Store Guy.
Retro - of or designating the style of an earlier time
Indie - Independent music
The Heat - slang for something that is so amazingly good it goes beyond being “hot” and becomes
Emo - emotional music characterized best by whiny, adolescent lyrics and heart on the sleeve junior high school poetry a la Sunny Day Real Estate and Dashboard Confessional
Hipster Battle - a contest of wits in regards to who is the most in the know
Triple T Hipster BaTTTle - an extreme Hipster Battle sort of like a XXX rating for the hipsters
Rock Band Central - the staging point for all rock bands
Digg - the act of promoting something online
Andrew Wood - The Jesus Christ of Grunge
Bleed the Blood of the Dying - A post-emo-core band with slight math core influences
Gospel Music - the word in music, home of Pretentious Record Store Guy

Every journey has a beginning, every story has a start and every record store has a Pretentious Record Store Guy. This is his story!

When you’re Pretentious Record Store Guy, you’re life is pretty much made in the shade right? You get to see all the cool shows, pick through all the good music and take home all the latest promos. Life is pretty good, right? A pretentious existential crisis, with jokes about music.

The key to being in a scene is to be seen, and nowhere is more important than in a record store, where the employees are cooler than you and know every big band a year before anyone else does; welcome to the world of Pretentious Record Store Guy.

You’ve seen his adventures monthly in the pages of Playback:STL and online at pretentiousrecordstoreguy.com and now Pretentious Record Store Guy is going on his biggest journey yet. Issue #1 of the epic Pretentious Record Store Guy story hits the web like underground single from your favorite band, only instead of being sonic delicious goodness for your ear holes it’s music for your eyes and your cerebral cortex. If you have never read any Pretentious Record Store Guy comic, than do yourself a favor and read the first 10 pages for free at the Pretentious Record Store Guy website.

It’s a Hipster BaTTTle happening (3Ts like XXX only TTT)!!!

Available now at IndyPlanet: http://www.indyplanet.com/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=1076

I have a confession to make. I fucking love Tom Petty.

I know I shouldn’t say that because I’m a Pretentious Record Store Guy and Tom Petty should be enjoyed only in an ironic way that trivializes the mainstream and uses the false facade of irony as a substitute for nostalgic appreciation for the things that our parents loved and held dear, but that’s not the case. What I should really say is that Nick Cave is the greatest songwriter in the world not named Bob Dylan and that Dylan peaked in the late 60s, but honestly I’ve been thinking about it long and hard and I can’t come to any other conclusion except that Tom Petty is a genius.

Every one of Tom Petty’s songs is filled to the brim with California surfer zen nuggets of wisdom. Petty just drops these little gems of goodness as an aside so you don’t even realize how utterly brilliant he is until you one day your car gets rear ended and the rental they give you only has a radio in it and silence gets old after a while so you pop on the radio and Tom Petty comes on and whispers to you that:

“The waiting is the hardest part.”

or what about:

“Even the losers get lucky sometime”

and

“Running down a dream is sometimes further than it seems.”

And these are only a few of the gems I’m referring to. In life, everyone throws the word genius around like every little creative endeavor is a work of art, but the Prententious Record Store Guy thinks that most art is shit, and is undeserving of the title of “Art” and that real genius is hardly ever appreciated in it’s time, so for the PRSG to deem Petty a genius and at the same time make a complete about face from his pretentious tendencies to do so, well that is an act that should go noticed. And since Pretentious Record Store Guy is a self appointed expert, his advice is that of a sage and could even be considered an act of genius.

If youre like me then youre 510, rail thin, ridiculously good looking and your hair is the elixir from which dreams are made. Youre also a pretentious music fan, an aficionado of the underground, the litmus test by which any band who is anyone will be judged and blogged by before their fist single even makes it to a mall to be sold at Sam Goody and purchased by know-nothings who will only buy whatever Rolling Stone, Spin or A.P. advertisers steer them towards. We are the taste makers that serve up our sacrificial lambs to the mainstream so that they can die and be be resurrected in the temple of rock.

You might even watch The O.C., which brings me to my point or rather to the question which I pose herein:

If an Indie band sold out on The O.C. would there be any hipsters left to watch?

More and more every concert I go to is being populated by a litany of teens and preteens. I now find myself having to navigate the narrows of the pit with sinewy, gawky, thirteen year olds who are all elbows, while their parents stand three feet behind me staring at me, silently judging me, while I drink my intoxicants and smoke my Camel lights. This has seriously begun to dampen my joy for the live show, a staple of my pretentious existence.

While I cannot hold this against the young, for we were all once preteen unpretentious music lovers at one time or another before we became schooled in rock, I do hold one man personally responsible. That man is Seth Cohen.

Fuck Seth Cohen!

Seth Cohen has ruined my life! He has taken the one thing in the world that I hold dear and prostituted it for the world to take turns with and discard after their momentary desire is satisfied. He has taken a great many of my favorite Indie bands and served them up for the mainstream masses to suckle upon their teat. And, oh how every band is lining up for their turn to bare their breasts!

Now I am all for spreading the word and getting great music heard, but at the same time music is the one thing, the only thing that I care about. Discovering a band is a very special thing. Getting in on the ground floor, being one of the first people at the concert who knows all the songs, meeting the band after the show and helping spread the word through the underground is an unequaled experience. When a band finally breaks the mainstream you feel some sort of satisfaction in knowing that you did your part to help them along the way; they will always be your own little special band.

Not anymore. Every Thursday Seth Cohen and The O.C. would break my heart each week while serving up another one of my favorite bands to be gorged and devoured by mainstream America, a trend that has been taken up by Grey’s Anatomy, Gossip Girl and a plethora of other shows. I for one am glad that The O.C. was canceled because it serves as proof that there is a higher intelligence out there in the universe.

And each passing week I feel a little bit sadder and a little bit older and a little bit more meaningless.

Thanks, Seth Cohen.

If I could ever meet Seth Cohen this is what I would say, “Go fuck yourself very much. Douche.”

Happy 4-20! To celebrate you should go to a record store. And you shouldn’t go to any old record store, but an independent record store filled with Pretentious Record Store Guys like me. Seriously, why go to a mall and pay $20 to buy from a pimple faced high schooler with a smock when you can go to an indy record store and pick up something for $18 from a 34 year old college dropout.

Yesterday wasn’t just a song by The Beatles, but it was also Record Store Day (4-19). Even though you’re a day late and a dollar short, you should follow the most pretentious of pretentious music magazines guide to celebrating the festivities. So, without further ado, here is Pitchfork’s Guide to Record Store Day.

There are very few comics that serve as a sublime example of what happens when images and words collide on a blank sheet of paper. In that rare instance when that comic comes around you cherish it and hope that it never ends. 100 Bullets is one such comic. Unfortunately, the series has just begun its final arc before the curtain falls and one of Vertigo’s longest running series comes to an end.Brian Azzarello is the multiple Eisner and Harvey Award winning writer of 100 Bullets, which he created with artist Eduardo Risso. 100 Bullets is second only to Hellblazer as the longest-running title from DC’s Vertigo imprint, and Azzarello and Risso’s unbroken run on the title is second only to Brian Michael Bendis and Mark Bagley on Ultimate Spider-Man for the longest consecutive issue streak by a creative team in the last 15 years. Recently, Azzarello launched a new ongoing Vertigo title, Loveless, with artist Marcelo Frusin.

I am a HUGE 100 Bullets fan and was thrilled when I was given the opportunity to interview Brian. In the first part of my expansive interview, Azzarello talks about 100 Bullets, Loveless, the American vs. European comic market, and punching lead singers of rock bands in the face. Check it out on Playback:STL.

Come back next week for the second part of the interview, where Brian talks about the Batman: Gotham Knight DVD (a companion to this summer’s blockbuster Dark Knight film), his superhero work, the long delayed 100 Bullets game, and why Bruce Wayne is the man.

Next Tuesday Feb. 5th is Super Tuesday, so the Parade of Freaks wanted to remind everyone to go out and vote in the primaries.

Who has won the Parade’s admiration and vote this season? Why, none other than Mr. Barack Obama. Why? Because he is an Agent of C.H.A.N.G.E. What is C.H.A.N.G.E.? Change is Citizens Helping America’s New Government Effort. Government is broken and only C.H.A.N.G.E. can fix it.

To enable C.H.A.N.G.E. we must Vote for Barack Obama for President!

This illustration was inspired by the great Jim Steranko, the leadership of Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., and is powered by H.O.P.E.

Enjoy.

Seriously. Pretentious Record Store Guy can’t stand him! Pretentiousness is one thing, but a pompous drummer? Please.

What did Phil Collins do? He stepped up and made a great band terrible and in the process made a fortune by swindling the idiotic and still coked up masses in the early and mid 80s. Then he goes solo and proceeds to put his balding, beat up mug on the cover of EVERY SINGLE ONE of his albums. Please. As if the music isn’t enough to cause you to ignite M-80s right next to your ears to purge the sound from your brain, no, Phil also wants you to vomit as well at the un ghastly site of his taunting mug. Jerk! Useless drummers need to stay behind their little kit and let the real musicians make their magic.

So Pretentious Record Store Guy came up with a little game called “Fuck Phil Collins!” It’s like asteroids except you have to stop the people from throwing rocks at Phil Collins fat face. Jerk. I let them all through with the hopes that maybe Phil Collins can feel the stone cut into his face while he is lying in his 1200 count sheets at night in his undeserving palace of a home

What did you do today?

I listened to The Magnetic Fields 69 Love Songs in its entirety (Stephin Merritt should win a Nobel Peace Prize or something) on vinyl while drinking a Starbucks Caramel Frappacino and then, because all my fans demanded it, I came up with 50 All New Cool Band Names. I would have had the whole afternoon to bask in my glory but I had to close the record store and deal with people like you all night long.

What? Not everyone is born rich; some of us have to work menial laborious jobs until the world finally recognizes our utter genius.

Luckily, I dont have a menial laborious job: I work at a record store. Kind of makes you wonder why you spent all your parents money to go to college only to get a job that you despise. (Thats why when I thought of going to college I dropped acid instead and thought about cool band names that I could eventually call my band whenever I got around to learning how to play the guitar my mom bought me for my 13^th birthday. BTW, I just finished learning all the chords last year, so watch out world!)

Back to the point at hand, here we go– Pretentious Record Store Guys 50 All New Cool Band Names I Came Up With Today.

The Wholigans, Ty Died, If You Reap What You Sow Then Death Has Surely Got It Coming, Fine Whine (an emo band), White Swallow, Death From Dying, United Parcel Service, The Downs, Hermaphrodite Love Child, The Boxers Bat, Suicide By Cop, The On Deck Circle Jerks, Dazed and Misued, Sue Me, The Imp Pencils, The Porno Graffiti, Lakeside Quartet, The Legal Department, Male Room, SmokeFireBurntSienna, Calamity Jane Doe, Ibuprofen, The Jesse James Gang Bang Band, Sex, The Flasks, Alaska Is So Much Nicer In the Summer, August Cowboys, Serenity Now, The House Fire, A Forrest, Dee Mentioned, 13th Level Elfin Wizard, The Love Cats, Demon Slayer, Rest Assured, Dr. Scholl You Call Yourself a Doctor But You Couldn’t Heel Me, You Are the One (Who is the Liar?), Mercy Boo Coup, The George Washington Junior High School Fencing Team Tryouts, Sonic Boom Boom, Out of Touch (Out of Time), The Deals, The Fashionistas, The Christopher Columbus Day Experiment, The Co-Pathetics, South By Southfist, Satan Has 8 Cocks And All of Them Are Evil, The Runners, Dying Machine, Tripping Acid In A Crowded Tent Isnt Really As Fun As It Sounds, Maybe I Should Have Gone to College…

And the number one band name is The Snake Gang–my all new side project that is a down and dirty, country roots, rock band. I just come up with it today and it still deserves a place at the top of the pantheon of today’s names because of its’ so tough it makes Marlon Brando come back to life only to wet himself and run back to his eternal resting place whimpering about how he could have been someone.