Pretentious Record Store Blog

I’m sorry, but it’s time for Pretentious Record Store Guy to nerd out.

It was just announced that Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely are going to take over the main Batman book and that it’s going to be called Batman and Robin!  That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time.  Morrison and Quitely have teamed up together to produce some of the best comics of the 21st Century including All Star Superman, New X-Men and We3.  I can’t wait!

But since we first have to go through Batman: Battle for the Cowl to see who is taking over the mantle of the bat now that Bruce Wayne has been sent to a prehistoric era and left to fend with Anthro, here is my prediction on what is going to happen.

Personally, I think Gordon will throw his hat into the ring and then it would be a weird quasi Dark Knight Returns type story.

Example Narration:
Stupid move, old man.
Too slow.  Muscles ache.
Reminds me of my time in Chicago.  Bad Days.
Think, Jim.
He’s half your age and he has two clips left in his gun.
But you were the Commissioner.
This punk doesn’t stand a chance.

And Robin would be Barbara, back in action courtesy of Wayne Enterprises new nanotechnology which helped fuse her broken back and increased her speed and agility.  Dick Grayson would want to hook up with her but would feel really freaked out by the fact that he’s hooking up with Robin, which just seems wrong.

Robin/Barbara Gordon would fall in love with the Joker in some sort of sick Stockholm syndrome thing.  She would kill Harley Quinn and assume the role of Joker’s number one henchman, which would break Dick’s heart and mind, turning him into a new supervillian with Wayne’s vast fortune at his disposal.  He would out Gordon as the new Batman and singlehandedly turn Gotham City into his own demented sandbox of vice.  Joker would then reveal to Dick that he doesn’t even love Robin/Barbara/newHarley but only went along with her slavish devotion because he knew it would break Dick’s pure heart.  So in the end, Joker would have killed two birds (Robins get it) with one stone.

Alfred, realizing that Gotham’s newest criminal mastermind is in fact his former young ward, decides to stop Dick once and for all.  He rummages through Bruce Wayne’s Batcave and comes across an old Catwoman suit, complete with fishnet stockings.  He gears up, jumps on the Batbike and heads to Dick’s new lair to confront him, only the exhaust pipe from the Batbike lights the stockings on fire and Alfred tragically crashes and dies.  As he is lying half unconscious on the outskirts of Wayne Manor losing way too much blood, he sees a bat fly over head.  “Fitting” he thinks to himself as his eyes close for the final time.

Young Tim Drake, drunk and despondent from all of the turmoil going down, stumbles across the body of his former friend and confidant.  Upset at himself for not getting there earlier, for drinking himself into oblivion, and for not having the courage to confront Dick, Tim stabs himself with his Batarang and dies next to Alfred, the grandfather he never had.

What do you guys think?  Am I on to something?

Seriously the whole thing is a damn Greek tragedy of epic proportions…someone needs to get me Dan Didio’s email so I can send him this stuff.

Pretentious Record Store Guy is a freaking genius.

But really everyone knows that Dick Grayson will assume the role of Batman.  Tim Drake will become Red Robin and Damian, Batman’s son with Talia, will be the new Robin.

Sorry for the nerd off, but you can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Cheers.

This entry was posted on Friday, March 13th, 2009 at 12:01 am and is filed under Blog, Comics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.